No picture can hold my interest when the leading man’s tits are bigger than the leading lady’s. Groucho Marx

Classic: a book which people praise and don’t read. Mark twain

Politicians are like nappies – they should be changed regularly and for the same reason. Patrick Murray

Its not enough to have every intelligent person in the country voting for me – I need a majority. Adlai Stevenson

A politician will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. Oscar Levant

Politics is derived from two words – poly, meaning many, and tics, meaning small-blood sucking insects. Chris Clayton

Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference. Mort Sahl

Nixon’s philosophy was if two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter

Congressmen are so damned dumb, they could throw themselves on the ground and miss. James Traficant

If I throw a stick will you leave? Anon

A woman told me she would fulfil my ultimate fantasy for £100 – so I asked her to paint my house. Sean O’Bryan

It was one of those perfect summer days – the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing and the lawnmower was broken. James Dent

If it squirms, its biology; if it stinks, its chemistry; if it doesn’t work, its physics and if you cant understand it, its mathematics. Magnus Pyke

Excuse me, my legs gone to sleep – do mind if I join it? Alexander Woollcott

When there’s nothing more to be said, he’ll still be saying it. Anon

Joggers are basically neurotic, bony, smug types who could bore the paint off a DC-10. Rick Reilly

Reality: a delusion created by an alcohol deficiency. Anon

You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin

He goes into a bar optimistically and comes out misty optically. Anon

We drink to one another’s healths, and spoil our own. Jerome K. Jerome

The murals in restaurants are about on par with the food in art galleries. Peter De Vries

Cough and the world coughs with you, fart and you fart alone. Trevor Griffiths

As one door closes, another slams in your face. Rachel Heyhoe

Flint Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn’t trust an Englishman in the dark. Duncan Spaeth

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet I’d put shoes on my cat. Anon

The only thing that can cheat her out of the last word is an echo. Anon

I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the human body and then I realised, “What is telling me that?”

Eyewitnesses were on the scene in minutes. Adam Boulton

Pedestrian: someone who thought he had petrol in his tank. Anon


I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college and got my tuition fees back. Fred Allen

Like Cannibalism, a matter of taste. G.K. Chesterton

The insurance man told me that I was covered for falling off the roof but not for hitting the ground. Tommy Cooper

I installed a skylight in my apartment and the people who live above me are furious! Steven Wright

The world is like a cucumber – today it’s in your hands, tomorrow its up your arse. Arab saying

The IRA are indiscriminately killing men, women and children and now they have killed two Australians. Margaret Thatcher

The United States has much to offer the third world war. Ronald Reagan

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to? Steven Wright

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it. Groucho Marx

Right now, I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright

Dwn wth vwls Ruth Ollins

Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse? Accused thief who undertook his own defence.

If you don’t drink, smoke or drive a car, you’re a tax evader. Tom Foley

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything, he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile. Bob Edwards

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Wood Allen

Please don’t ask me to relax – it’s only the tension that’s holding me together. Helen Murray

Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, a man to a worm. Mark Twain

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any. Groucho Marx

What’s another word for Thesaurus? Anon

This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. Winston Churchill

Is “tired old cliché” one? Steven Wright

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn

Alas poor Yorick he tasted good. Anon


They couldn’t direct lemmings off a cliff. Doug Brod

I’ve not failed, I’ve found 10,000 ways that don’t work. Thomas Edison

Life is just one damned thing after another. Elbert Hubbard

Calvin Coolidge, not known for his verbosity, was approached by a woman at a public function: Mr President, I have a bet with my friends that I can make you say at least three words to me during dinner. You lose, came the reply.

It was eight in the evening when George S. Kaufman was asked, in the form of an invitation, what he was doing for dinner that night. Digesting it.

Did you mail that check to the judge? Roy M. Cohn (in public, to his assistant)

Noel Coward was with a group of friends when someone announced that a boorish and overbearing acquaintance had “blown his brains out,” to which Coward retorted: He must have been an incredibly god shot.

During his speech, President William Howard Taft complained that there was too much noise in the audience he could hardly hear himself talk, to which someone at the back replied: It’s OK you’re not missing anything.

Bessie Braddock: Winston you are drunk. Winston Churchill: Madam you are ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

How about coming back to my place? Will two people fit under a rock?

No woman ever made a fool of me. Who did then?

Hey gorgeous, how do you fancy a good time? Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

Hotel receptionist: are you dining tonight? Guest: Yes, but not here.

There’s somebody in my head but it’s not me! Pink Floyd lyric

Were you present when your picture was taken? Anon Were you alone or by yourself? Anon

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Anon

Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? Anon

Frankly my dear I don’t give a damm! Anon

I didn’t know the answer to the one I got wrong. Gerbil logic

Into the belly of the beast, and out the demons ass! Line from Tomb Rader

It is the proof of high culture to say the greatest matters in the simplest ways. Emerson

Silences have a climax, when you have got to speak. Elizabeth Bowen

Not to ask is not to be denied. John Dryden

A man has two hundred dollars and you leave him with two – that’s subtraction. Mae West


The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep. Edgar Watson Howe

One by one the solid scholars, get degrees, the jobs, the dollars. W.D. Snodgrass

A short saying oft contains much wisdom. Sophocles

Better be wise by the misfortunes of others than by your own. Aseop

Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us. Oscar Wilde

Every truth has two sides; it is well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either. Aseop

It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. Aesop

We often get in quicker by the back door than by the front. Napoleon

Intelligence is not to make no mistakes But quickly to see how to make them good. Bertolt Brecht

Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error. Cicero

There is only one thing about which I can be certain, and that is that there is very little about which one can be certain. W. Somerset Maugham

Common sense is as rare as genius. Emerson

Second thoughts are even wiser. Euripides

To be alive at all involves some risk. Harold Macmillan

Delay is preferable to error. Thomas Jefferson

Dreaming permits each an every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. William Dement

A timely wrong decision in better than no decision at all. Kelly Johnson

I’m not passing the blame, I’m merely pointing it in the right direction. Craig Millar

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you. Anon

War doesn’t decide who is right but who is left. Anon

I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring. Richard P. Feynman

“I was just looking for a warm meal somewhere.” George W. Bush (upon visiting GI’s in Iraq for thanksgiving)

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. Charles M. Schulz

If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else. Laurence J. Peter

Humour is just another defence against the Universe. Mel Brooks

Why do women wear tights? Have you seen what they do to bank raiders faces! Jasper Carrott

Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. John Benfield

Even on the highest throne in the world we are still sitting on our ass. Anon

I like life, it’s something to do. Ronnie Shakes

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22 it would have changed the history of music…… and of aviation. Tom Stoppard

Be the change you wish to see in the world. Ghandi

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other, “How the heck do you drive this thing.” Anon

I’ve not lost my mind, it’s backed up on disk somewhere. Anon

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Anon

P.I.T.A. – Pain In The Ass

K.I.S.S. – Keep It Simple Stupid

Mushroomed – kept in the dark and fed shit.

S.O.B. – Son Of a Bitch

B.G.B. – Bloody Great Big

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